| Robbed |
| Tuesday, 18 March 2008 | |||||||
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This coffee is cold, reminiscent of last night. Was I cold or just indifferent? See, I never quite know how to let go, let my feelings show. It’s hard expressing myself.
“Just relax.” he says.
- Just relax! You think it is that easy.
I stand here watching him as he writes. I am feeling cold. Deep in my stomach there is a chill, I know so well. I am feeling adventurous yet annoyed with myself. I know what is going to happen. Everything. I am anxious, curious in a way and yet very afraid. I have agreed to his request and now I am here with him.
I move over next to him, look down at what he is doing. I say nothing. We walk out of the reception, step into a corridor without a roof flooded with water. It has been raining. I am shivering. My insides are freezing.
- Single room? Is he leaving me here alone?
“Those aren’t your names.” I joke, as I watch him fill fictitious names in the guest register.
Of course, how can a man of his reputation and social standing write down his real names! Not in a joint like this.
We turn right, join the bar and walk straight into another corridor.
- He has been here before, how many times I wonder.
No.11.
Kitchen: Staff only
We take another right turn.
“There is No.8.” I point out.
Is this going to be the turning point in my life? Will I let him in?
I hand him the key to open the door. He unlocks the door, opens it and then shuts it behind us moments later. I sit on the bed. He quickly takes off his coat, and sits beside me.
He holds my hand and tries to make me lie on the bed. I stand up fast and move towards the door.
- “Wouldn’t want anyone walking in, would we.”
I lock the door with the latch.
What am I doing? I know what all this means. Do I really want this?
I take a seat by the wardrobe.
“Come here” he pleads, motioning to the bed.
“No”
I place one leg over the other.
“You said, you wanted us to talk. Talk, I am listening.” I say.
He stands up and comes over to me bends over tries to kiss me and I move my face away.
“No, sit and let’s talk.” I insist.
Damn, what am I doing, next thing I know I’ll be in bed with him.
It is always like that, never different.
First, the conversation – general topics.
Then suddenly the guy gets all so serious and starts giving hints. I pretend not to get it.
I don’t quite know what makes me end up in the same bed with this guy.
I’m not sure if it is out of curiosity of the consequences or the desire to try and let my feelings show.
-I didn’t want this to happen, but couldn’t help it either.
“No.” I hiss.
“Relax. Just relax.” he comforts.
“This isn’t my idea of relaxing.”
“What’s the matter?” he asks.
The matter is one: I don’t want you to kiss me; I don’t like the way you do. Two, you might stir me up and I’ll get weak and helpless. You might just break the tough shield I have taken so long to build. This is not what I expect as far as an erotic adventure.
“Nothing.” I quip.
I try to push him aside, but he struggles to stay on top of me.
He is strokes my hand, and then tries my nipple. He gets a better idea – he wants to unbutton my top. I know he wants to have sex with me.
He is stark naked, free of all his clothes. I am fully dressed.
Should I let him?
I felt the urge to resist but what the heck. I didn’t think he could overpower me, if I resisted. I’ll give him the satisfaction
He’s now on his knees right above me. His hand is stretched out. He wants to lift me up so he can do the honours of taking my top off.
With my top off, he shouldn’t count that as one win. He still has to undress the fear and disgust I have for these one night stands. Why am I here then?
The bottom line is I like being in control. I never let anyone have his or her way, especially men. We fight to a compromise or I have my way.
“You are not doing anything to me”. I bark.
“I’m not doing anything”. He says, looking innocent.
The man’s hand is moving down past my belly and he can say he’s not doing anything! I hold his hand. It’s going to get bad.
I try pushing him off me. It’s tough. He’s resisting. He just wants to remain on top of me and of course do his thing.
Golly, what’s all this? Damn what else did I expect? This is a man.
He’s looking right into my eyes. I look at him.
I wonder what is going through his mind.
I think he can’t believe we are here in one bed. I am the last person he’d ever imagined he could get to bed. What could it be? I notice a smile playing on his lips I smile back. There is some disturbing seriousness in his eyes.
“This is unbelievable”. I remark
“Yes. Never imagined I’d meet you. You are spoken of well”.
He didn’t tell you to go and have sex with her. He gives a sadistic laugh and tries again.
It is getting on my nerves all this resisting. I always thought it was a two-way thing. Both giving, each receiving and everybody having fun. So far it has only been one way with all the guys I have met. All three.
“Listen I’m not into this. I’m not in the mood for anything tonight.” I tell him.
He stares saying nothing.
“If I am boring or very cold I am sorry. It’s not your fault, you have done nothing wrong.” I assert, “It’s me not you.”
Yes there is. Why am I pretending he is a sweet angel? He lied to me. This is not the talking he promised. Who am I lying to, am a woman, he’s a man, he is a close friend of my father.
Torn inside, I let go and he enters me savagely, what a waste for a first time. It is truly a far cry from all my dreams and fantasies of how my first time would be.
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